singapore-monotheist

2006-08-17T01:39:00.000+08:00

school started three days ago, but i only had school for one day. ;p but the only day of school was quite eventful. nm1101e: met yeekai, zhenzhong, bowen, atticus, puaylin. basic translation: met kaili. yay, i'm not taking it alone. =) but when i reached hq after lecture, i realised my baby's gone! i cant even recall if i've brought it out of the lt, but it doesn't seems as though i left empty-handed. jan, xinying and changjie prayed for me. and thank God when i went back to the lt and ask, this girl helped me safeguard it and passed it to me. thank God!

when i went for choir pract on mon i found out that jasmine and sharlene are taking french1 too and in fact taking the same slot as me! wahaha.

starting school gives reason for many things. for one, shopping~! because afterall, we need to wear clothes to school. ;p was walking past isetan wisma when i realise 'the box' is having a sale! 'the box' is one of my favourite, with pretty knee-length skirts and accessorized tank tops. yay. and then i spotted Neckermann! woohoo... in summary, i spent and spent and ...

2006-08-12T01:18:00.000+08:00

planetshakers concert. wasn't as good as i expected, partly because i din really like their new songs this year. quite a letdown too because it was just too short. but their 'Evermore' was *woooh*... as if they were playing the cd... mesmerized with the background female vocals.

went cartel with debbie, eelee and wyn. had a lil pleasant surprise for eelee when me and wyn suddenly showed up. some catching up, and as a birthday treat for eelee. it's always heartwarming to meet them and just talk. =)

floating thoughts. everybody should just remain as friends forever. friends can do anything and everything together. through thick and thin. laughter and tears. yet 'friends' is one of the most ambiguous words i know. we're friends. what does it mean exactly? but still, everybody should just remain as friends forever. life will be simpler then.

2006-08-09T18:04:00.000+08:00

tell me
did you fall
for the shooting star
did the wind
sweep you off your feet?

ecp.
introduced polar bear. oh no...
pizza, cheese macaroni, campbells, not-so-successful fondue.
relax. and get to know more about others.
passerby a, b, c, d, e... music lovers.
sunrise. awe of God. sheer beauty.
red and white people.

2006-08-07T00:30:00.000+08:00

Bidding.
Everything went well. Got my chinese modules, and my long-awaited new media exposure. BUT bidding for french1 was a heartache. There's only 4 vacancies available for returning students, 7 for new students, and 6 reserved for later rounds. I really didn't expect the bid points to get so high, so i dumped all my bid points down, since it's my last module anyway, and omg. !!

hence my nick. 911. for police in usa, the terrorist attack on the twin towers, and the no. of points i used for french1.

Blood donation.
To me, blood donation is worth every effort. Firstly, donating blood can save someone else's life. Secondly, red blood cells only has a lifespan of 120 days. Hence even if we don't donate blood, the red blood cells in our body will eventually die and be excreted as urine. Thirdly, it's not as painful as it seems. During blood donation, there's 2 injections. The first is to inject anesthetic. It's a normal injection. The second is to inject the tube-like needle such that blood can flow out. At this point, the anesthetic has taken effect and there's no pain. So, really, it's not as painful as it seems.

For this reason I always urge the people around me to go for blood donation. Went for it today with yi-shyan. Her first time. =) But it wasn't a smooth one for me cuz I think i shifted my hand and caused the needle to go out of place, making the blood to not flow smoothly. So i had to stay there longer. And after that I felt dizzy. And had to lie there for some time. But nonetheless, I'm glad I went for blood donation. Like I said, blood donation's worth every effort.

Misc.
Recently I feel that my personality's changing. Becoming more choleric (if this is how it should be spelt). Perhaps it's because of the people I interact with. It's scary when I feel that I can't control my personality, of how differently I react to different people.
Feeling slightly apprehensive towards the new semester. Although I'm more glad to have a weekly schedule to follow. Apprehensive because of the three chinese modules. I'm not sure how well I can cope with them. Apprehensive also because I'll be taking a french with a new friend. But nonetheless, still looking forward to the new semester.
Something new I've realised about songs, particularly lyrics. The difference between chinese lyrics and english lyrics. Someone once commented to me that she prefers chinese songs because their lyrics are more beautiful and meaningful. I told her that I prefer english songs because of their musicality. Over the following weeks, I realised that it's true that english songs have simpler lyrics. But I've also observed that english songs tend to be able to bring across the intended message if simpler words are used. For chinese lyrics, on the other hand, fancy words are able to add depth and express a sense of conviction. Would you agree with me?

2006-07-19T00:04:00.000+08:00

okay, so i guess i'll be taking a break after this post.

Hmmm, guess where i went today? Hee. I went to jb! With eelee, jency, ting ting and ziying. Yupps. A short jb trip. Eelee and zinc did their hair, me and eelee did pedicure, and we all did some shopping. Having combed the first shopping centre, I was a quite disappointed because all I got was pedicure (S$17) and a box of bubble gum (S$3.50). Haha. Ting and jency 'prophesized' that I'll end up buying nothing. But it was proven wrong when we headed to the 2nd shopping centre. I got a lil bag (S$6), a black casual 3/4 (S$5) and a pair of body scrub gloves (S$7). =) Pretty fruitful trip. And we had kfc and kenny rogers. Kenny rogers was disappointing though.

But if i had more cash i would've bought more stuff.

2006-07-18T00:31:00.000+08:00

think i'll be taking a break from blogging. a lil short break.

2006-07-14T16:12:00.000+08:00

no one told you how great you look. that staring at your pic can be a pastime.
back from alpha camp.
many many mosquito bites.

2006-07-12T01:47:00.000+08:00

4:30

Edwin wrote lotsa stuff about it already in his blog. But nonetheless.

I found 4:30 a lil too draggy. Cuz it doesn't have to be so draggy to bring the point across. Then again, it gives this feeling of dread, which is prolly what xiao wu experiences in his life. Hmmm, only have a few stuff to talk about, being a newbie in film studies.

The theme of loneliness runs strongly in the film. Xiao wu felt neglected because his mum's overseas and the unexplained absence of his dad. Jung's breakup with his gf.

Fusion of the two characters Jung and xiao wu. One scene tells the story by showing xiao wu's reflection on a mirror. Then another shows Jung's relfection on glass. Xiao wu has a small shelf of cough syrups while Jung has a small shelf of pills. At the scene where Jung and xiao wu sat down on the stairs, both were wearing shorts/boxers and singlets. Both of them listen repeatedly to sad suicidal music. Jung seems to be a bigger version of xiao wu. Prolly why xiao wu feels comfortable with him and becomes fascinated/obsessed with him. As the movie progresses, Jung starts to drink orange juice (what xiao wu likes) and xiao wu starts eating korean beef noodles (and actually chooses to buy beef noodles instead of orange juice, suggesting xiao wu modelling after Jung). Jung also allowed himself to listen to xiao wu's version of sad music, though he don't understand what the song is about.

Xiao wu sees Jung as his father, as seen by his composition. Jung is his 'role-model' as well. He imitates Jung, by wearing his boxers, and putting on shaving cream. His longing for a fatherly figure, a play mate and a confidant is revealed by how xiao wu attempts to interact with Jung.

Somewhat strangely, xiao wu encourages Jung to live on by cutting off his cigarettes and pasting Jung's face on the cigarette box. Being someone who doesn't cherish his life, xiao wu encourages Jung prolly cuz he sees Jung as the future him, and as such, he hopes that Jung can live on, and be happy.

The usage of mirrors, reflections. As written above, there was scenes of both Jung and xiao wu captured through reflections. Reflections suggests virtuality, that they aren't exactly existing or living. Though they may be still breathing and walking, they live as though they're dead. Xiao wu doesn't cherish his life and Jung is constantly trying to commit suicide. The theme of virtuality emerges again at the end, when xiao wu paints his windows black, similar to his 'dreams', or the lack of it. By doing so he is retreating back to live a life of one long dreamless sleep.

Related to virtuality is also escapism and fantasy through pills and cough syrups.

Intertextuality. Cant rmb the details of 12 storeys cuz I watched it in pri sch i think. But cant analyse properly without the films. Was pondering about why xiao wu chose to dub the women's voice. Read edwin's interpretation of it and I sorta agree.

Cant really think of what else to write. The film is starting to fade from my memory already. Hmmm. Oh! I bought Royston's shorts le. A collection of royston tan's short films. Sadly 15 is not a short film and is not included.

2006-07-08T22:42:00.000+08:00

long time since i last blogged.
wanted to post sth a couple of times, but either too tired or nothing to write.
been following world cup.
brazil LOST.
super sad.
kaka must be sad too.
sigh. but there's always next time.
work.
pretty okay.
free meals for part-timers too!
yay. but no tempura or unagi.
will miss the people there when i quit.
bought new toothbrush and toothpaste. =)
i like the feeling of having a clean mouth.

2006-06-04T10:29:00.000+08:00

look out the sky
the colours shine for you
and everything you do
they're all yellow and blue

Am reading penguin classics, Oscar Wilde's complete short fiction. The language used is simple, probably to enhance the fairytale-like effect. But despite this fairytale-like effect, the stories can be deep and thoughtful.

Been working. Lesser and lesser. Now I'm appreciating much more whatever time I have left for myself. Like time spent reading novels and christian literature. And getting myself a packet of candy floss.

Brazil brazil all the way.... Ooohhh.....

2006-05-18T23:15:00.000+08:00

job

the people there are really quite friendly after getting to know them more. some will pretend to be fierce on the first day, but they're really not like that, and it's enjoyable when there's very few customers and we just hang around the counter and chat. recently the jap manager's in a pretty good mood as well, which makes life alot better (as compared to what i've heard from the rest).

made a few blunders, like taking wrong orders, saying wrong stuff, blah. but generally it's been fine.

many japanese patronise the restaurant, and most of them are tai-tais, pushing prams and all dressed up. haha. i like to see them enjoying the food, with occasional 'oishi's while discussing about the menu. i like to think that they have found a little japan in the restaurant (afterall our restaurant is a branch from japan), and it brings warmth to my heart. more than these, i like to see japanese babies and toddlers who come along with the tai-tai mothers. some of them sleep soundly in their prams, some fiddle around, playing with what is within their reach, oblivious to the world around them. if only i could take pictures of all of them and make a collage.

2006-05-16T23:32:00.000+08:00

just tired. all my energy blown away last 20 mins when my laptop gave up on me. REASON:
(goes back 2 days ago)
jesse: i'm using battery for my laptop cuz i need to iron the clothes and i need the plug.
bro: haven't you heard of the 'multiplug'?
jesse: but i'll still have to pull the plug out wad...
bro: hurry up, plug the laptop in, you're wasting battery!
(jesse pulls out the plug for the iron)
(bro pulls out the battery)
jesse: !!! i haven't plug the laptop back in yet!
bro: how i know you so slow?
jesse: !!!!!!!!

the last thing i want to happen to my laptop is to have it's power cut off prematurely before it shut down properly. because based on past experience, my laptop will DIE. and this time it didn't revive even after 2 days.

so agitated.

but.
had wam vision night. think i benefited alot from kimwee's sharing. one part struck me. he asked, "have you loved someone before?" when it comes to loving a fellow human being, love is possessive. who wants to share a wife? but when it comes to loving God, no one will get jealous when someone else experiences God's love as well. in contrast, we will be encouraged when we hear others' testimonies. in the same way, we should apply this love to our ministries. to own it but not to possess it such that no one else can access it. lots of other stuff. but i too tired to blog all. will blog more about my job next time.

2006-05-12T19:02:00.000+08:00

a simple romantic.

candy floss, balloons, flowers.
long skirts, bangles, dangling earrings.
hip-hop, jazz, love songs.
smell of rain, pink umbrella,
coffee on cold rainy days.
a good novel, music, live bands.
snugs, hugs, kisses.

2006-05-12T17:43:00.000+08:00

a friend.

someone who is known, liked and trusted. one who supports and sympathizes with. its root word traces back to love, meaning a lover.

it's probably due to the once-a-month thing that's causing my hormones to go haywire. makes me yearn for, simply, a friend. but it's at these times when even a 'friend' is nowhere to be found.

it's when you have nothing, then you'll realize all you need is Him.

2006-05-11T16:53:00.000+08:00

went cheonging. haha. my first cheonging session. never went before because i don't like blast-my-eardrums kinda music and drinking until high and dancing without restraint. yesterday confirmed that clubbing is like that, but it casts doubts as to whether i really dislike this form of leisure. haha.

got a job. woo~. haha. waitressing at a jap restaurant in marina square. the boss is nice, people there are friendly and won't bully newbies, and the food looks yummy. 50% off for meals during work. woo~.

2006-05-09T10:01:00.000+08:00

my arms ache as if i have been doing weights. came home after 2 days of chalet, only to hear drilling and hammering from the apartment directly above mine. loud as if they were made right beside me.

Was having caregroup farewell sharing when i noticed at the corner of my eye a woman with long hair touching her waist. Unkempt and tied together. I wonder when was the last time she cut her hair. And when was the last time she bathed. I watch her take off her sandals, of one size too small, to reveal her feet with slightly deformed bones, because she has been wearing that undersized sandals for too long. The bones on her feet grow and shrink according to the shape of the sandals. My heart aches. She tries to adjust the length of the straps of the sandals. I wonder if it will help ease her discomfort. And she slipped them on again. Her deformed bones protruding out between the straps. I wonder for how long has she been wearing those sandals.

I wonder if she's happy. My mind brings me to an old man i never fail to see whenever i go to the airport. He opens and lays out phamplets on a table in 24-hr mac, and sleeps on it. I wonder if he is happy. I wonder how would they respond should they come to know the depth of God's love for them.

The hols are here. Have been looking out for a job. Shall set some objectives for the hols.
1. Practise guitar everyday for at least 15 mins.
2. Finish 3 Christian lit.
3. Save up. For perhaps hostel perhaps future dancing lessons.
4. Exercise once a week.
5. Grow in love and humility.

2006-05-05T15:40:00.000+08:00

Exams are OVER. another semester gone. phoof. just like that. it's has been a fast yet long one. it's a shorter semester compared to the previous one, but taking 6 modules make days long and dreadful.

An eventful semester, witnessing yi-shyan's conversion and the opening of elections 2006. Night cycling, preparations for matriculation and having a bunch of sisters from youth come join the uni group. Many birthday celebrations and farewell for claire.

More adapting, more uncomfort.

All these, with God's grace with me. He sustains me, comforts me, assures me, and shows more of His love to me.

The opening of long summer holidays. I've started to look for a job. Need one to support me financially for the next year. I don;t wish to see conflicts between my to-be job and church. But i can foresee it coming.

2006-05-03T00:45:00.000+08:00

how long do you take to get ready to get outta your house? my bro and mum agreed that i wake up earlier and get out later than my bro. okay. i need one hour to get ready. but it's a ----------------- (i dun wanna seem bimbotic).

1. choose clothes
2. iron clothes
3. bathe
4. wash face
5. brush teeth
6. listerine mouthwash
7. garnier pore tightening astringent
8. garnier daily moisturizer
9. contact lenses
10. pack bag
11. make-up (plain)
a. concealer
b. foundation
c. blusher
d. lip balm
e. eye shadow
12. pantene hair moisturizer
13. hairband
14. perfume
15. hand accessories
16. footwear
17. jesse OUT!

2006-05-01T17:19:00.000+08:00

pardon me for lack of updates. have been burying my head in chinese readings. figured out what to study for exam *awe*. have been waiting like a fool for something to happen. but i guess.

hmmm. funny how some people nowadays are writing using weirdo adjectives and complicated-sometimes-ungrammatical sentence structures that only they themselves understand and develop due to poorly constructed thoughts. anyhows. have determined to train away my flabby butterfly arms and bouncing thighs. .. i can feel sacrasm rising up against me. hey!

anyhows. anyone wanna get the converse world-cup edition tee? it's going for 2 for 33.90 yea. i want the brazil one. share the cost with me yea? sharity elephant since primary one has been encouraging caring and sharing yea. hee.

2006-04-26T02:24:00.000+08:00

"For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air. You can't cheat your first kiss. Trust me, you don't want to. Cause when you find that right person for a first kiss, it's everything."
-Dr. Alex Karev, Grey's Anatomy-

2006-04-24T20:38:00.000+08:00

stress balls.
jiayan has been considerate to make us stress balls for frustration-venting. one interesting thing we found out about these stress balls is that they'll stick to the walls when thrown against them. so the primary school spirit within a few of us revived and they started to throw these stress balls against the walls in competition, seeing whose will stay the longest. xinying's won, hands down. hers stayed up there for about 23 hours. cool aye.

was on my way home when i almost got rammed over by a van. 'hey!' loud and directed, to the driver who wasn't looking at where he's driving. glares and stares.

2006-04-21T22:29:00.000+08:00

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Jesse.
Jesse who?
Just see and you'll know.

i have my own knock knock joke yea. cool. courtesy of weizhu. (:

2006-04-21T02:23:00.000+08:00

ever had a dream? i'm in one. i wonder if it's a nightmare, a fantasy, or a bubble. it's just a dream, it seems unreal.

the only thing that's real right now is prolly my exams in 30 hours time.

and the stars shine for you. stars. none today cuz sky too cloudy. indeed it's been raining these few days.

blogs with auto-play songs are pretty irritating. understatement. takes a long time to load. doesn't disrupt windows media player somehow and reader cum listener would find 2 songs blasting simultaneously. slows down my baby. please. if you simply adore a certain song or singer, blog it by writing the lyrics or title down. anyhow, weblog's an avenue for "press freedom", so i guess my comment has no weightage.

parliament's dissolved and polling date's been set -- 6th May. but me no vote and no cash to claim.

2006-04-19T17:36:00.000+08:00

preoccupied, with thoughts introduced by some msges. my revivsion got disrupted and i found my mind drifting off in thoughts once in a while. may the Lord grant me with steady feet.

met elna on the bus home ytd. (: she hasn't changed much. talked about hall life and her core modules' exams that are all cramped together.

2006-04-17T00:33:00.000+08:00

thoughts.
i lock the padlock.
i recall the times when i left the keys there and got scolded.
i'm surprised my brother is asleep. it's only 12am.
i wonder if i can switch on the tv.
i wash my feet.
i wonder if i should finish my laptop battery and leave it to charge.
i think it's troublesome to connect wires.
i wipe my face with wipes from thefaceshop to get rid of my make-up.
i realise most of the foundation is gone.
i throw the wipe away.
i decide to plug in my laptop and save my battery for tml.
i switch on dim orange lights, not wanting to wake my brother.
i find the laptop LCD too bright.
my mother asks me why don't i switch on the normal lights.
i remind her that brother is sleeping.
i wonder if the face wipe is enough to remove my make-up.
i turn down the brightness of my LCD screen.
i log on to msn.
i read everyone's nick.
i realised how nicks can reflect a person's thought and i thought i could know them more this way.
i realise i was wrong.
i turn down the brightness of my LCD screen even more.
i feel my head throbbing.
i lean back on the sofa.
it feels comfortable.

have you ever thought that you could understand someone but as you know that person more, you realise that you don't know him/her at all?

i wonder if i know her.

2006-04-15T14:15:00.000+08:00

Today's saturday, the day between Good Friday and Easter Sunday. The day the believers woke up to, after having denied and left Jesus to die. The day the believers wondered if this 'Jesus' was really God. For us, it's easy to believe that Jesus is God, for it has been told to us that the grave had no hold on Jesus and He rose again on Sunday. If i had been there, on this saturday around 1970 years ago, would i have kept my faith? Or would i have, like the other believers, denied and betrayed Jesus?

2006-04-13T13:09:00.000+08:00

the sky is bright, perhaps too bright. i cringe. veins dilate and adrenaline rushes to my brain. time to study. mugger me, perhaps. i'm enjoying what i study, or at least some of it. to explore each new day with my baby. back to the books.

2006-04-10T23:58:00.000+08:00

"Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more. "
-Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy-

2006-04-09T02:15:00.000+08:00

yay. Congrats and welcome a new sista-in-christ yea. So happy that shyan came to know God. God really answered your prayer man. He works in His own ways and timing. :D

Choir debut. Had fun. And i guess that's sufficient. Not sure about the future plans for choir. Hmmm.

Caught up with those dudes. Haha. Someone (whom i shan't reveal the name) asked, "Have you ever taken out your school uniform and wear them once in a while to see how you look like in them?" Hmmm. But wish to have shared more. Nonetheless.

2006-04-08T00:35:00.000+08:00

I got my baby today! My baby laptop. Woo... But the boxes and stuff that comes along with it is so heavy i had to lug it to qp's room and setle it there for the day. I'm pretty excited about tml and what's going to happen. Choir's having out debut, Easter service part 1, and going to chill out with some really dear friends of mine: eelee, debbie, wynnie and seng cheong. Yay.

Several things i wanna mention about today.
Inspired by a blogpost read. Not new revelations to me, just that i feel that this might serve good for others. About whether one can excel in both studies and ministry, and all other stuff we're interested in. Need to consider if the things we're interested in are in lined with God's plans for us, through prayer, consulting leaders, and sheer common sense. Areas in our lives like studies, family, and ministry, are the obvious areas in which God wants us to excel in, for He called us to be salt and light, and to be successful.

Once, during meeting of sort, we were asked to rank from the 1st priority to the last, God, studies, family, ministry, and social life. At the end of the exercise, we found out that these things cant be ranked as such. In fact, they are like spooks of a wheel, With God in the center of the wheel, and each area branching out from the center like spooks of a wheel.

God should be in the center of our lives, and every area i.e, studies, family, friends, ministry, are equally important and we should excel in every single area. No one of more importance then another. And in a case when one clashes with another, wisdom and, more often then not, time management is required.

I feel as though preparing for a sermon.

2006-04-06T00:50:00.000+08:00

i have enough happy things to keep me smiling until tml morning. (:

2006-04-04T23:49:00.000+08:00

strange. in cursive and on my cell's wallpaper. delayed blogging which does injustice to the events that happened to me a few days ago. for some reason i don't feel like doing proper sentences.

lit tutor.
tea buffet.
goodwood park hotel.
yumms.

debate soc.
gathering.
malaysian's place.
den liquidkitchen.
salty dog and sex on a beach.

the topic of discussion got around to morality, a tinge of religion and pre-marital sex. jacob:oh god, why can't we just talk trash? nonetheless topic continues. the whole discussion evolves around whether ppl should get involved in pre-marital sex. while the girls' point of view is that pre-marital sex affects marriage life and sex itself is more than a mere physical act (it is highly intimate and involves emotions), the guys, generally, think that it's ok, and they can accept girlfrens who has had past sexual experiences (what matters is the present).

prolly one key difference between guys and girls is that guys are capable of compartmentalisation. they seem to be able to have sex with someone they don't love. which is hard for me to relate to.

then the talk about morality. we agreed that whether pre-marital sex matters or not boils down to one's moral standards and values. jacob's point that one should not impose moral values upon another and that ppl who take a grey sort of worldview will prolly be able to socialise better.

but question is: what is the purpose of morality? to make one feel assured that his/her life is appropriate, that as long as you live by your own moral standards you can answer to yourself? in the grey world, is relative morality any form of morality at all? what is the point of morality if it can't be applied to not only us, but also as a general principle guiding social interaction?

my train of thoughts are hopping all over the place.

managed to rush my lit essay. but i doubt it a good one. probably just passable. lack of sleep's getting into me and i thank God so much that i managed a fruitful 2-hr nap this afternoon.

i guess you have exhausted your list of contacts that you resorted to msging me. i can't figure how i should put it across to you that frenship is more than this. but i guess it doesn't matter cuz you won't look for me anymore unless you need me. so fine by me.

the weird thing i experience everytime i start a habit of consistent reading is that i tend to form proper narrative sentences of what i see and hear and experience as i live life. if only i have a mental recorder to record my thoughts i wouldn't have to spend time blogging.

2006-03-31T01:36:00.000+08:00

My Teacher Ate My Homework

My teacher ate my homework.
I'm aware it's rather odd.
She sniffed at it and smiled
with an approving sort of nod.

She took a little nibble --
it's unusual, but true --
then had a somewhat larger bite
and gave a thoughtful chew.

I think she must have liked it,
for she really went to town.
She gobbled it with gusto
and she wolfed the whole thing down.

She licked off all her fingers,
gave a burp and said, "You pass."
I guess that's how they grade you
when you take a cooking class.
--Kenn Nesbitt

2006-03-29T00:00:00.000+08:00

a heart of stone. "[T]he stone was shaped like a heart, an ice-cold heart of stone that could outlive everyone without beating even once. It would still be there when everyone underneath it was long forgotten."

I almost teared while reading this novel on the bus.

2006-03-27T02:41:00.000+08:00

no one favours his right hand more than his left one. thus a lil publicity for my left hand: ..::s.i.m.p.l.i.c.i.t.y::..`

2006-03-27T02:11:00.000+08:00

Missed ops groove cuz migraine attacked again. They've been regulars nowadays. And frequent attacks as these never fail to cuz my mind to wander, wondering if I've gotten a tumor.

Managed to install a special font for viewing phonetic symbols, in a frantic attempt to prove me no technophobe.

Went to study with shyan at a cafe, 6th avenue. Al fungi. Yumms. Managed some readings and started on a novel. A Heart Of Stone. Learnt in lit lessons that it's proper to either italicise or underline titles of books when quoting them. So happy to be able to read novels again. Not lit text nor uninteresting readings. Not research materials nor dense chinese history.

2006-03-24T17:29:00.000+08:00

Hadn't had time to post for the past few days. Have been sleeping out. Mark commented me juvenile delinquent. Heh. Was studying and doing project presentation. Presentation went smoothly, though I doubt the depth of our analysis. But it's all over and I'm glad.

Of thoughts. Sometimes I wonder if I'm right, though I feel strongly so. I could have closed one eye and shut up; blindly follow. But thoughts impressed upon me too strongly I couldn't cast them aside. And I wonder if I should press on. If so, with what intensity? Like fighting a battle or playing diplomacy.

Let God judge; hearts and mind
Lest I'll defend myself senile.

2006-03-21T00:52:00.000+08:00

Of laptops, revised.

My bro's not getting me a laptop. Nope, we've decided to get the loan instead, and I have to faithfully give him 500 bucks every 6 months. So he's still an in-house loanshark.

I just want to study.

The truth is, I'm not rich. My family isn't doing well financially and I'm on loan. And I do get envious of those who have their parents to pay off their uni fees, stay in hostel and get laptops. I really want to stay in hostel, because it's unstudy-able at home (I can't seem to be able to emphasize this enough and no one gets my point cuz no one stays in my house). And only this sem did I realise how much convenience a laptop can bring. My simple wish this coming year is to be able to earn enough money to stay in hostel and get a laptop. I only want to study. Why is it so hard.

2006-03-21T00:34:00.000+08:00

patience.

The faded word on my palm, of black ink and fancy. I've always thought that I'm quite a patient person. Little did I expect God to be moulding me in this area. In an environment where couples are everywhere, people talk about marriage every other week, there's a continual realisation that I'm no longer a teen, and there's even an established unit trying to tie knots, I need more patience. To wait and trust.

2006-03-19T23:04:00.000+08:00

Of laptops.

Yay. My bro's buying me a laptop! Er. Or rather, he's gonna be my in-house loanshark. Heh. I gotta pay him back the money in instalments. But nonetheless, woot. And scallop, funny guy, bought me sth for my bday. Let me recap our conversation on msn.

joel: mon ur birthdae ar ?
j`esse: hahha
j`esse: yea man.
j`esse: me got present?
j`esse: lol
joel: dunno lae..
joel: shld u be gettin present ?
j`esse: hahaha
j`esse: i anything one lah.
j`esse: i only want a laptop...
joel: wah.. new tactics rite... make me feel bad .. then wack me for present
joel: hey~
joel: dere is tis IT fair...
j`esse: hahahha
j`esse: really?
joel: maybe u can bring ur cg go tis sun...
joel: then hint is ur birthdae
joel: haha
j`esse: laptop too ex le lah.
j`esse: i'll have to save it up myself.
joel: ^ ^
joel: true ... laptop too ex
joel: but gettin u a mouse still can..
j`esse: lol
j`esse: no laptop need mouse meh?
j`esse: lol
joel: see.. i believe in u..
joel: u can save up enuff de..
j`esse: haha
joel: ..u! jiayou !!
j`esse: yea!
joel: haha

And so, he got me a laptop mouse. Lol. Thanks, I'll need it. haha.

2006-03-19T22:07:00.000+08:00

na nu hai dui wo shuo
shuo wo bao hu ta de meng
shuo zhe shi jie
dui ta zhe yang de bu duo
ta jian jian wang le wo
dan shi ta bing bu xiao de
bian ti ling shang de wo
yi tian ye bu zai ai guo

na nu hai dui wo shuo
shuo wo shi yi ge xiao tou
tou ta de hui yi
sai ru wo de nao hai zhong
wo bu xu yao zi you
zhi xiang bei zhe ta de meng
yi bu bu xang qian zou
ta gei de yong yuan bu chong

The past. Subtly yet perhaps fatal. Went to ecp yesterday for night cycling. The sand, the breeze, the stars, the small rocky jettys, the stone benches, even the litter. A burden.

Night cycling was fun, except that the gears for my bike was a lil screwed up, so those who cycled me had to bear with it too. Thanks to qiaoping, yi-shyan, and kenneth (rolls royce). Should have seen kenneth's legs when he cycled at top speed at the end when we're going back to the jetty at ecp. Zoomed past me and qiaoping.

Of esplanade, fort canning and geylang. Of shouting names, snatching sweets and eating supper. Of waiting for supper. Or looking out for traffic. Of seeing fellow night-cyclists. Of watching sunrise. Of leg and buttock aches.

2006-03-17T23:45:00.000+08:00

hoo. Managed to pull myself out of bed today in time for morning lecture. Met huili on the bus, and we both figured i'll be slightly late. I was telling her how my lecturer has the tendancy to arrive late to lecture, and was joking that maybe she wouldn't have started when I reached. I got off the bus, and decided to grab something light for breakfast. I went into lecture and she's still setting up her laptop! Yea.

Went for a performance with yi-shyan. Her fren's performing in it, hence some form of obligation. Yunno, I've always sniggered at the thought of SDU. And today, I've actually went for one of the performances they sponsored! Lol. It's sort of a musical, with many songs slotted in-between scenes. I think that the performancers belong to some choir, because they really can sing! And I find my money more well spent than in the XXX production.

Here's an outline of the plot, which I thought was quite fresh. Story started with the female lead, xinyue, talking to her boyfriend, trying to dissuade him from going to US for further studies. Halfway through, a guy crosses the road towards them and got knocked down by a car, and before he died, he kept looking at xinyue.

Xinyue is moving out of her house by the sea, and she is worried that her bf, who hasn't contacted her for two years, might not be able to contact her in case he sends a mail. So, she places a letter inside the mailbox for the new owner, telling him to forward whatever letter he gets from her bf to her.

Kaifeng is the designer for this house by the sea. He fiddles with the mailbox and am surprised to find a letter inside, by xinyue. At kaifeng's era, the house isn't even built, in 2004, yet the letter by xinyue signs off at 2006. So he wrote a reply and placed it inside the mailbox, requesting for the 4D no. for the week. And xinyue gets the letter in 2006. She checked up the 4D no, and asked if he could get back a recorder she lost 2 years ago in esplanade library. He opens the reply, the 4D no matches, and he saw xinyue(2004) at the library playing piano, and got mesmerized by her, and retrieved the recorder she misplaced. So they confirmed that all this isn't a prank.

They started exchanging letters, and when xinyue found out her bf was two-timing her, kaifeng was there to comfort her. So feelings grew and they planned to meet on the 12th feb 06. For her it'll be a week away, but for him, 2 years and a week. hah. On that day they promised to meet, he didn't turn up. She kept waiting for days. Until a designer overseeing a project came along. The designer was kaifeng's fren, and he's overseeing this project left by kf, one meant for xinyue. Apparently kf died 2 years ago in a car accident. Get it? He was the one who died in the first scene. So xinyue was devastated and rushed to the mailbox to send a letter to kf, warning him not to come and look for her, lest getting in the accident. And she thought he died. All these being in the 2006 of xinyue.

Then, time goes back to when xinyue was packing up in her house and writing the letter, kaifeng comes along with a letter, asking her if she has some time to listen to an incredible story. And this, is the 2006 of kaifeng.

So SDUish, but i still enjoyed the play nonetheless.

2006-03-16T21:27:00.000+08:00

Am in the computer center in engin faculty. Stayed overnight again with yi-shyan and qiaoping yesterday. Am irritated with the internet connection here. It goes on and off all the time. A shrewd scheme to discourage usage of msn messenger.

Oh yea, I forgot to mention something. My brother gave me a shawl for my birthday! You may think it's so silly that I'm so happy about it. But you must understand. The tradition of giving presents during birthdays has been lost for years. And this is the first present I received from him since... I'm to blame as well. I hadn't been giving him presents as well, until last year, when I got him a card holder which he is using now as a wallet. So, yay, I'll treasure my shawl.

2006-03-14T15:31:00.000+08:00

whoever has given me his ribs, OWN UP!

Dad drove me to school cuz I overslept. And on radio the deejay was relating a once-was love story. Of a couple who because of differences broke up in the end, leaving the girl heartbroken and pitiful.

Indeed, it's a blessing to be able to find the person you love loving you in return. But more than that, it's a miracle to be able to find that special person who would tolerate and appreciate our weaknesses, love us unconditionally (if that's possible), and stay faithful to us for the rest of our lives. Like finding a needle in a haystack.

My prayer is for whoever to take marriage seriously.

2006-03-14T15:16:00.000+08:00

bureaucracy

Has secretly seeped into every level of society. The curse of democracy. That even such a simple task should be subjected to it. I'm grumbling. A result of piling workload and tight schedule. It has taken up more time than it should have, due to the stupid bureaucratic system is in place. *roars*

Am tired, as well, of initiating and reminding. This is as much my work as it is your work. Show some diligence. I have tons of work to do as well. Everytime I walk pass the library, I envy those people inside -- people with laptops or/and studying. I so wish for peace and quiet. To finish my readings, to write my essays, to catch up with missed lectures, to do lab assignments, blah.

I am so gonna get a laptop.

2006-03-14T00:11:00.000+08:00

sex education

There's this recent uproar because of the sex video that is circulating around. A question is raised, "Is the amount of sex education in Singapore sufficient?" The problem with this question is that reduces the whole issue of pre-martial sex to a matter of a lack in sex education. No doubt does sex education play a part in informing teenagers of the dangers of being involved in pre-marital sex. But I feel that a greater role is played, rather, by the media and how it portrays sex.

Sex, as portrayed by the media, is a natural outflow of erotic love. It is no longer something sacred to be preserved until after marriage. It cant be controlled. Of one-night-stands and gunshot marriages. Sex is even portrayed as being cool. The uncool and no-life people are often portrayed as ones with no partners and no sex life. Guys are also portrayed as experienced sex-partners. Inexperienced guys are viewed as unattractive and weak. Guys are expected to know it all. These are the things that teenagers are exposed to every day, through advertisements, drama serials, and films.

There is a need to inform teenagers, and even adults, of the facts involving pre-marital sex. And in this society where values are rapidly changing and morals quickly eroding away, the system in place is not changing fast enough to keep up in step. Teachers don't feel comfortable enough to teach openly. Educators are unsure as to how much they should cover and how deep they should venture into. While waiting for systems to set in place, many teenagers would have suffered for their ignorance and curiosity

Facts about pre-marital sex.
In America, the federal government spends billions of dollars to promote the idea of safe-sex through the use of condoms. At the time they started, there were only two sexually transmitted diseases that were at an epidemic level, and there are now more than 20. One in three Americans over 10 years of age has a sexually transmitted disease. read more
Condoms are not safe. Just type "condoms ineffectiveness" on google search. There's no easy way, and God can't be mocked.

2006-03-13T23:13:00.000+08:00

my testimony

Was on the bus with calyn. It was then when I realised that not many people know my testimony of how I came to know God and be in Hope Church. So here is my testimony, a way of remembering how God pursued me and to tell the world of His grace.

Everything dates back to when I was in p5. I was on my way home (with venetia). We were on our way to the mrt station when someone was giving out small booklets. Being kind, haha, I took a copy. Yes, it's those small booklets that relates the gospel and makes one wonder how many people ACTUALLY receive Christ through these booklets. I did. Haha. The young innocent Jessie read the booklet and decided to recite the sinner's prayer at the back of the booklet. So I'm technically a Christian.

A few nights later, during dinner, I told my mum that I wanna attend church. I thank God, on hindsight, that my parents are freethinkers. My mum was agreeable and found me a sunday school to attend. So started my sunday school days. Initially everything was exciting, fun and new. As the months go by, I start to give excuses to miss sunday school. I'm too tired after ballet lessons. It's raining. I'll go next week. When I was in p6, I decided to stop attending it altogether, giving God an excuse that I'll come back to Him when I'm in sec 1.

Of course I forgot about that promise, but God didn't. I've always wanted to get into st. nicks. Their cut-off point for that year was 251, and guess what? I got 250. So because of that one point I got into anderson, a school I've neither heard of nor seen. Two months into school, one day on my way home, I was approached by (how should I address her, a girl?) eelee. Haha. She got me to do a survey and then invited me for service that week. The amazing thing is that should I have gone to st. nicks, she wouldn't have approached me. And she wasn't intending to conduct a survey that day, but only because there's a visitor from a Hope Church overseas and she wanted to show her how we evangelise over here.

So I came service that week and rededicated my life. I was previously an insecure person, and very conscious about how others view me. Hence I'm very quiet, fearing that I may say the wrong thing and embarrass myself. God spoke to me about His unconditional love for me, and that my identity is ultimately a child of Him. I can be secure in Him, for He holds my future, and I need not feel inferior and be overly concerned with how others look at me, for He has created me unique and I should live to please the audience of One.

Many find it hard to believe that I was quiet in the past. I really was so! And God has indeed changed me. I strive, with my humanly efforts empowered by God's strength, to live my life for God. I'm still so, so, so imperfect. But I'll continue to hope in the Lord.

2006-03-13T01:12:00.000+08:00

Came home from kap macs. Was studying there with yi-shyan. Our supposed project meeting got cancelled last min, and she was quite pissed off about it. I'm ok with it, since it allowed me time to prepare for lit presentation tml.

Was chatting with michelle on sat night on our way home. Told her my plans of marrying young and having 4 kids -- 3 boys and 1 girl. After that, I went off pondering about it and realised that it's not feasible. Firstly, to marry young means finding a suitable person and blah, which seems ...er... Secondly, to have so many kids means to have financial stability and even more. What's more, the government's decreasing the amount of subsidy given to parents with higher income. ): Maybe I'll remain a spinster all my life. boo.

Currently I'll still psychologically screwed up.

2006-03-12T01:28:00.000+08:00

bday

Was quite disappointed that shyan didn't come. Pray that she had a fruitful time studying. And that she'll be able to perform for monday's quiz. My unit people celebrated my bday with me after diinner. Really feel very touched by them, esp. by how xinying and guan took note or found out details about me. And they gave me this adidas watch which must cost alot. Thank my cg members for topping up the money. And thanks rf for your gift. (:

It's been 8 years. Time flies so fast. And all these while God has never failed me. At times when my faith is weak, His hand never failed to reach out to me and guide me back gently. Thank God.

2006-03-11T02:45:00.000+08:00

I woke up late today. 12:15pm. Lecture started at 10am. Boo. Subconsciously I thought that the next day is a saturday and so I could afford a few more winks. And so I missed all my lessons today. They're all lectures. Not as bad as it would have been for tutorials. I'm blogging now in qiaoping's room. Sleeping over with her and yi-shyan. It has become a routine every friday. And every time I stay over it deepens within me the urge and desire to stay in hostel. To be able to stay up late to study, late night snacks, independence, shrinkage of travelling hours, and last but not least, a room I can call my own, figuratively speaking.

Am preparing for a mini presentation on mon. Will be doing one on my lit text "Waiting for the Barbarians". I think this book has many more underlying issues waiting to be explored as compared to "Persuasion". And many more metaphors and implications. Have been struggling along for this module because I haven't touched lit since sec 2, after being deeply scarred by Miss Emily Cheng. I think I screwed up my mid-term test as well.

About history. And its linearity versus circularity. This was something the book mentioned. All along, history concerning nature has always been circular. Reproduction cycles, the seasons, day and night, even digestive systems. But in the history of nations, it has always been viewed linearly. It's filled with dates and events, names and titles. Taking a step backwards, nations' history is circular as well. The rise and fall of nations. Hasn't it been so over the past centuries? Yet every nation seek to view its history linearly, trying means and ways to prolong its rule. Have nations really progressed over the years? Or are they simply trapped in the vicious cycle set by the rules of nature?

2006-03-10T01:27:00.000+08:00

revival yea.

I failed my english mid-term test. No, I'm not incapable of forming grammatically correct sentences, and yes, I did passed my spelling bee in kindergarten. But no, I didn't know there's negative marking. Failed by one mark. Hope I'll be able to pull up the overall mark during exams. Got back my results for genes and soc too. Was about what I expected when they went through the answers.

Hmmm, had unit 242 today. And before that robert and christine shared about comparative religion. And edwin passed me an apologetics book by josh mcdowell. I really want to spend quality time building up a library of apologetics references.

Have you ever wondered how far your bike can go before breaking down? Test it! Night cycling on 18th March. ;P

2006-03-01T00:47:00.000+08:00

yawns. the pace of my life seems too fast for me. of 3 mid-term tests to go, 2 projects, 1 essay, 1 presentation, and tons of readings. I really mean tons. the temptation of escapism.

2005-11-12T00:51:00.000+08:00

tempted to blog some things. decided not to. nonetheless a bit disillusioned.

i don't like to compare youth with uni grp. i dun like to think that i'm comparing these two.

anyway, church level prayer meeting. i asked God to reveal to me a vision and His purpose for me in the uni grp. And God being faithful, He did. And it scared the socks out of me. I remember pastor saying it's natural. God can do immeasureably great things through us. Things we can't even imagine.

Not sure if i should blog it down. i just pray that God will help me adapt to the uni culture (those that do not contradict the Bible), and use me to influence in some other ways. Maybe i would have prefered not to know anything. But now that i do, i can't pretend i don't.

2005-11-09T21:12:00.000+08:00

Diary entries that end up in the dump.

Are we sinful and hence we sin? Or do we sin and hence we're sinful? Why is it that i 'fail' myself and 'succumb' to the 'sinful nature' within me? Is there an inherent system within me that takes priority whenever i try to make decisions? Why is it that i know it's right to obey yet i want to rebel? Obedience definitely isn't instinct. If there is really what is known as a sinful nature, then why do i have it? Am i born with it? (Why do i feel like Descartes?) If i am born with it, why is that so? Is it in my genes that i can inherit it? Or is it sort of a curse, traced back all the way to the times of Adam and Eve. The cursed couple who carried the grumbles and complaints of mankind.

Am i borned to be sinful? Wouldn't that be unfair?

Reckon this blog's abandoned by its audience already. Perhaps that would encourage me to blog more freely. It would give me a reason, at the same time, to be more care less with the ugly blogskin.

i'm tired.

2005-11-09T02:42:00.000+08:00

revival. To blog or not to blog.

There's a sudden urge to express myself. But then again, how much can one express online? Free speech is idealism. In reality, it is but a fluffed up cushion. Once hugged, it shrinks back to its original size.

if i kissed you

If I kissed you, would fireworks fly? Would angels sing with lollipops, would dinosaurs cry? Would babies all gurgle in laughter and surprise? If I kissed you.

If I kissed you, what would Michelangelo say? Would he still have sculpted David? Would we be immortalized in clay? Would the poets write of love like ours, would John Donne have his say? If I kissed you.

You could be one in a million, you could be the one for me. But I guess I'll never know if I never try. I guess I'll just have to grab you in my arms, and kiss you.

If I kissed you, would you lose track of time? Would you feel a surge of happiness running up your spine? Would you run naked in the street with a tattoo of my name on your behind? If I kissed you.

corrinne may -- if i kissed you.

Songs. They express thoughts and emotions while inducing some more at the same time. At times they induce nostalgia, at times they induce desire. Sometimes they cheer you up, sometimes they make you dull. Songs. They influence. Music and words are powerful. Created by God and abused by the devil. This influence is subtle. Funny how i am aware of this influence, yet continue to indulge in song and music. hmmm.

Thought i'm all grown-up. Still, i'm that naughty little girl, who refuses to sleep until her tired eyes refuse to open. Who dislikes homework and all boring routines. Ponder occassionally upon what malaysian calls "Hollywood (Romantic) Moments". Wonder when a tall dark sauve young man would come riding a white horse and dash into the lecture theatre and save me from boring chinese phonetics. Silly little girl. No one's gonna fend for you in this complicated capitalist society. No horses allowed outside turf clubs and zoos, anyway.

I shall write until my hands fail me. Come tommorrow, the sun will shine reality once again straight in my face. I will then brace myself up. Just enough to last through the day.

What a melochonlic night. Maybe it's the music.

2005-09-20T21:51:00.000+08:00

a rare update. haha.

sunday. was on my way home from i forgot where. past by this field near my place. saw some indians/bangladeshi/wadever lah. seriously, because i often have to take buses that pass by little india, i have a pretty bad impression of indians in general. to top it off, i live beside a mega construction site, where they're building the kallang/paya lebar expressway. often they'll cycle pass me. sometimes they whistle at me; at times they're quite rude with their bicycle.. so, on a whole, i really don't have a good impression of them.. but then hor, on sunday, i actually saw them gathering at the field and guess wad they're doing? no, they ware sitting in circles and throwing rubbish around.. they were playing baseball! haha. so interesting. they actually have their own baseball bats.. so i saw them running around the field and stuff. pretty unique i find..

oh. and i did the most amazing thing today. i exercised! haha. once in a blue moon thing. cuz it was cg outing, so not much choice actually. haha. we went to mac ritchie. and we walked the hsbc treetop walk... and it is... 11km long!!! i actually walked 11 km!! omg! kinda proud of myself. den i went home, threw myself on the bed and slept until dinner time. haha.

2005-09-04T01:23:00.000+08:00

coincidence.

him. haha. that gangster actor in nkf propaganda drama serial with sick grandma. ran past me twice in school. thought to myself, "why is he always running?" met him today at paya lebar delifrance, when i was trying to mug before service.

another him. randomly picked blogs to read. read his. xiaxue's fren. the oh-so-well-known-blogger-whom-i-dun-give-a-chicken-feather-about. happened to be in my tutorial class. happened to be somewhat the team leader for some project thing. hmmm.

may not be blogging anymore.

2005-08-24T23:23:00.000+08:00

caregroup. pretty cool to be sitting through one being a member. anxious about playing guitar for praise. no need to ask who's here and who's not.

i'm getting sick of this blogskin and the lousy content of this blog.

2005-08-16T22:13:00.000+08:00

chinese lecture. boring. the lecturer kept saying jokes. and after every joke i'll pause for a split second, and thought, 'wah, really not funny eh.'

2005-08-16T13:02:00.000+08:00

you're beautiful
you're beautiful
you're beautiful
it's true.

i saw your face
in a crowded place
and i don't know what to do
cuz i'll never be with you.

but it's time to face the truth.
i will never be with you.

2005-08-14T23:30:00.000+08:00

today's the slackest sunday i've had for ... years? lol. chinese debate auditions. i screwed up really badly cuz i can't think and argue effectively in chinese. they're quite amused that an english debator would wanna try out chinese debate.

i overslept on the bus to tuition which was at bendemeer. i woke up at bukit timah. cool. i really dun mean to be racist. but when i boarded the bus today it was like 'phoof!' -- indian smell.

homework looks boringg. i tried reading plato's euthyphro twice. not even 1/3 thru.

sth from the deep recesses of my heart: welcome back to singapore malaysian!!! i guess i did miss you. somehow. lol. i need advice on laptops!

2005-08-11T19:45:00.000+08:00

first day of school.

went lecture den lunch with denise. den met ruizhen. met the nus hope people at their hq. then went for lecture. in nus, the whole system by which they operates makes people lonely. i like the system of being able to choose freely what modules to take. but precisely it being so, everyone has different timetables. everyone takes different modules. you'll see different people every lecture and tutorial. it's really hard to make close friends because you'll prolly just see their face once / twice a week. no wonder they need sdu. independence or anti-social? i think i'll get used to the schedule after a month or so. for now, i only have lessons on tues and thurs. woot. cool heh.

2005-08-10T01:03:00.000+08:00

Went to cong's house for mahjong and pizza. Was watching national day parade. The fireworks came on. And cong exclaimed, "Eh, got explosions..!!" Lol. "Wah, the explosions very nice eh.." Haha.

In life, there are many phases. It's like taking a train. At each station, some people board the train, some alight. You never know who's gonna leave. Only the rare few will stay throughout the journey until we reach our destinations. I think back the faces of those who has alighted. I think of those who might alight. It makes life so uncertain. Who are those i can really trust? Who are those who will be there for me after knowing that i'll be there for them? It saddens me deeply. Because man always fails. And so there's only One whom i can trust.

2005-08-07T11:29:00.000+08:00

Yesterday saw the worst migraine i've ever had. popped panadols. it lasted 7 hours. cool.

Nonetheless, met the uls for farewell dinner and stayover at cong's house. i really cherish this fellowship. and i'll miss you guys alot.

i'll be strong.

2005-08-06T03:03:00.000+08:00

it's 3 am. i look at the plate of food in front of me and i feel like puking.

Perhaps it's the time. i'm starting to feel melocholic. But not sleepy. I'm reflecting upon the seminar i went today. i realised when facing my own crisis in life, i often lean towards escapism. Occupy myself with activities so that i won't have time to think about what really happened. For the past 2 days i've been experiencing pangs of emotions flooding back to me again. They'll come to me occasionally. i know they'll go away. But i never really chose to face them.

Before i help others, i gotta help myself.

Feel like crying. I'm lost in my own fantasy world. I feel disconnected from my body. I'm as if i'm floating from day to day. *pulls myself back to earth* I'm trying to recall how i was like in the past. She seems so foreign to me. i changed alot. Yet not for better. i wonder if everything will go back to normal. i wonder if time is really so powerful.

i wish that time could fly. yet i wish that time could rewind itself.

2005-08-06T00:20:00.000+08:00

peter's class chairman: Today's the first day of the seventh month on the lunar calendar... And it's also peter's birthday.

lol. Happy b'day Peter!

Was having dinner with dingy, cong-sie, peter, alvin. was asking wad peter wants for b'day. dingy asked peter straight in the face: can i dun buy present for you this year? go shopping very mah fan. me and peter: HEH?!

hmmm. school's starting on mon. i was looking forward to it. at least i can occupy myself with schoolwork. sigh. i dunno.

oh ya. m'sian called me. from taiwan. i wonder how much it cost you. hah. and if it'll cost me. my handphone bill! anyway. faster come back eh. hah.

2005-08-04T08:53:00.000+08:00

went for supper with daniel, debbie and shuping. jalan kayu prata. den went debbie's house to sleepover. hee. i'm using her com to blog now while she is snoring away. Oops. haha. she forced some dark secrets out of me ytd. hahahaha. it was nice sharing our lives together. :D shall go brush my teeth now.

oh ya! the taxi-driver thought daniel was 18 years old. -_- he thought daniel was still schooling. asked him, why you carry schoolbag to work? lol.

2005-07-31T22:59:00.000+08:00

the past one week.

cool. orientation talks. met gideon's fren. denise, sam and cori are in fass as well. thurs. met up with debbie, wyn and daniel for lunch and movie. stealth. good movie. den me debbie and daniel wondered where we should head for dinner. guess wad. we went to lau pa sat. lol. bought ALOT of food. ate and ate and ate. felt so bloated we decided to go for a walk. we walked all the way to esplanade! i must say that the night view is splendid. past by boat quay, victoria theatre and fullerton. cool. perfect place for dating man. sigh. wrong ppl to be with. hah. jk. really relaxing day. :) thanks peeps.

decided to pon orientation and inauguration. plain laziness. and i got tuition assignments.

so many things i wanna tell you. do you care?

2005-07-25T17:40:00.000+08:00

currently still in a state of SHOCK. went for matriculation. ended up carrying 10 kg worth of stuff home. no joke. SO heavy. thank God ruizhen's dad fetched us back to serangoon. shall make an attempt to list all the stuff they gave. to show HOW HEAVY the stuff are.

1. IVLE guide
2. the effective student guide
3. the write right guide
4. office of student affairs booklet
5. code of student conduct handbook
6. post-it x4
7. tidbits x4
8. t-shirt x2
9. ASS club foolscape
10. newsweek magazine x2
11. forbes magazine
12. time magazine
13. new man magazine
14. 21 coming of age dating advice
15. newater bottle x2
16. eye drops one bottle
17. footcare powder
18. gatsby facial paper
19. tissue pkt
20. mentos
21. coffee powder x5
22. batteries x8
23. mousepad
24. kaychain
25. hairdye x2
26. milo x4
27. maybelline foundation
28. maybelline lash discovery
29. notepad
30. witch facial wash
31. accessclip
32. folder
33. ring file
34. female magazine
35. a4-sized notebook
36. sweet sample
37. pens x2
38. post-it signpost stickers

and last but not least...

39. 1 bottle of alcohol

phew. and all these are not inculding tons of cca flyers and one bagful of stuff i threw away. thank God i went with gideon and ruizhen. if not i'll be bored and frustrated and dead on my way home. i want school withOUT all this hassle.

2005-07-21T22:35:00.000+08:00

retail therapy. i like the sound of it. it cost me 300 bucks, give and take 20 bucks.. ooh.. here's my list of zhan4 li4 pin3 (plunder).

1. nike dunk.
2. 2 tops.
3. beading book.
4. jeans.
5. petite bag.
6. roxy wallet.

woot. can do shopping for the time being now.

2005-07-21T00:44:00.000+08:00

have some clarification to do. lol. went out with daniel yesterday for lunch. told eelee about it already. it's a seriously-we're-just-frens lunch. but God being a playful one sent pamela and yixuan along our way. so. yupp. your leader's not having bgr! lol. many amusing things happened during lunch. hmmm. thanks brother.

met some weirdos today. not exactly in an upbeat mood today, and of all people we met steven-the-stripper today. it's the 2nd time he approached me already. argh. he went, "oh hi, i like your hair..." *rolls eyes* *stick my hand in his face* *continue walking* den when me and wyn were going down the escalator from 4th floor to 1st at heeren, this caucasian suddenly turned and asked, "Why are you two stalking me?" "HUH?!" "You two have been stalking me from 4th floor.." "We're going to basement 1.." "Ya, right.. you have been stalking me.." "HUH?!" Den once i land my feet on ground zero i simply turned and walked off. wad's his problem? he think he's some superstar/manhunt champion or sth? *rolls eyes* weirdos. i'll just say that they're UNIQUE.

2005-07-10T03:34:00.000+08:00

changi airport rocks. realised i can easily stay up the whole night. night person i am. srjc rocks. wonderful nmr notes they have.

finally had the peace and time to read through the freshmen booklet for nus. realised i haf to go for a medical check-up on the 18th. and settle some stuff by the 15th. independence day. ran out of cash till i get my pay. soon. my mum commented that i won't spend so much if i dun go out so much. i simply said, "If you dun wanna give me money, then dun." i'm starting to feel the impacts of having a lousy up-bringing. seriously i dun care. dun want to care i guess. but i think one day i'll have to come to terms with it.

2005-07-07T22:45:00.000+08:00

watched the announcing of the 2012 Olympics venue ytd due to pure coincidence. on tv mobile. supported paris actually. my fav city. but london's just fine i guess. passive me.

was working halfway when i overheard elaine saying, "Oh my, are there many casualties?" Only after work did i find out that London braved a series of terrorists attacks this morning during peak hours. a total of 7 blasts. hope they'll cope when with the aftermath. tony blair called these attacks barbaric. i somewhat agree. london tv station said almost 1000 people hurt/died. freaking terrorists. pissed off.

Oh. Anywaez, jesse's an official ah lianz. she's got red streakz on brown hairz. ah lianz stylez siaz. wadz-evazz.

2005-07-05T23:35:00.000+08:00

was able to catch up with m'sian ytd. i'll like to see you shake hands with mrs ho on stage and making ny pocket money fund 100 bucks richer. :D lol.

just realised how tired i haf been these past few days.

am watching a documentary about doctors and what they do in a shift. and i'd gladly give them their high pay for all they do in a day. dear m'sian, it's terribly tiring being a doctor. and they bear alot of responsibility given the nature of their job. the cardiac doc in focus today drank 6 cups of coffee by his first meal. and works 24 hrs for a shift. boy. boy. boy. salute them. if only i studied. hah, i'll be a doc man... ya, right...

2005-07-03T05:12:00.000+08:00

woAH! i'm at changi airport blogging now. staying up for the night with peter, jon tay and alvin. trying to study. yupp. hah. something horrid and embarrassing happened just now.. was going to get coffee with jon tay and alvin and happily chatting, walking past some guards and tourists, laughing at some jokes when alvin SUDDENLY VOMITTED!!!!! Oh gosh! Both me and jon dunno wad to do. JON SIMPLY tucked his hands in his jacket AND WALKED AWAY!! hah. poor alvin. Super embarrassing and comical sight. the puddle of vomit left a cleaner sitting right in front of the vomit staring into space for around 10 mins. lol.

Yupp. So life's cool now without vomit.

2005-06-28T22:53:00.000+08:00

had miGrAiNe today. heh.

found this voucher at home. gave me a good reason to make a new specs. cuz i've always been wearing contacts there's not much use making new specs. so made a frameless specs with tinted lenses at $117. saved 100 bucks. :D first time making specs alone. and paying myself. independent heh. think even if i got cheated i wouldn't have cared less given my personality.

oh. happy birthday debbie!!

i've gotten over it already. yupp. same time as they've cleared the rotting ice-cream spilled in the lift. i've grown tired of clinging unto something that doesn't exist anymore. :) i'm glad. yay.

suddenly have the urge to take up beading as a hobby. make my own accessories. :))

2005-06-27T14:57:00.000+08:00

i took up malaysian's advice and am undergoing retail therapy. not really actually. i just have to buy lots of stuff in preparation for university.

Day 1
went shopping with lynda on friday. We walked alot. From 530 till 840. And all we got for the day -- a topshop tanktop each. !?! Haha. At a discounted price of 12.50 :) Oh, and clumsy me toppled this huge advertisement plyboard outside a cosmetic shop in far east. 2 guys in front of me dropped their jaws and stared. One of them went, "Oh gosh." Lynda simply walked away and started laughing. !?!?! How could she????!!! The "Oh gosh" guy helped me pick up the plyboard. So malu-ating. Sigh. Lynda~~

Day 2
Went shopping with wyn yesterday. debbie joined us later. Oh! i have to whine about something someone did to me in the morning. I was supposed to meet Peter to go down to Punggol CC. We were supposed to meet at hougang mrt at 1230. At around 12, peter msged me: Can i meet you 1 hr later? My dad just cooked luch and i din know. PETER!!! How could you do this to me?!?! Wait 1 hr for you to eat lunch?! Sigh. Forget it. i forgive him. haha. Food, afterall, yunno, stands a big part in his life. Oops. Shall be kinder with my words next time. Hee. Anyway, went shopping. Bought some stuff, but wanted to buy more actually. Think i'm more decisive now. All the stuff i bought, i bought them on impulse. i wanna be more decisive. Hmm. Bought a skirt, a bangle and slip-ons, and got a free belt. Got contact lens solution at a real cheap price. :D

Still wanna get a pair of slippers, 2 3-quarts in bugis, sneakers, specs, more tops.

Retail therapy isn't helping me cheer up as much as it's helping cash run outta my wallet. argh.

2005-06-23T00:12:00.000+08:00

hmmm. had a very relaxed day today. spent the whole day slacking at rc. den went out with daniel, freedy and peter for dinner. really enjoyed the time we had. eating slowly and walking around after that. thanks guys. :D

2005-06-21T23:27:00.000+08:00

it's over. fast and furiously. it's time to move on. *holds up an invisible card*

2005-06-20T00:41:00.000+08:00

i'm bored. can't sleep.

twinkle twinkle little star
star-studded night
nightingale sing
sing like an angel
angel fly high
high above the skies
sky-scrapers tumble down
down the terrorists' heads
heads or tail
tail drops off eeyore's butt
butt-off all you irritants
irritants that irritates
irritates me with crap you have
have some peace around here
here i sit
sit on my butt and stare
stare at my sickening face
face this world
worldly desires
desires my God
God, sanctify me
me, myself and i
i stand alone
alone on this earth
earth = mud
mud balls and spring rolls
rolls up my tongue
tongue tied twisted kept
kept in my mouth
mouth out words
words got stuck
stuck real hard
hard to express
express how sick and boring this can get
get myself gotta here
here i shall say
say good bye.

2005-06-19T21:25:00.000+08:00

lynnette lynnette lynnette lynnette lynnette lynnette lynnette lynnette lynnette lynnette lynnette lynnette lynnette lynnette lynnette lynnette lynnette lynnette.

so tired i wanna sleep. so tired i dun wanna care about it anymore.

if you can leave me hanging just like that. and not bothering to clarify. i dun care.

sorry. guess i think too much.

2005-06-18T23:07:00.000+08:00

was watching the news about the murder recently where the body was cut up and thrown into different rivers. omg. feels disgusted. the feeling of slicing something irks me. think it takes a lot of hatred to perform such a murder. omg. stop thinking about it.

2005-06-16T23:33:00.000+08:00

tired but nevertheless i wanna do a couple of shout-outs. sometimes, actually many-a-times i can't express myself well. not that i dun possess sufficient proficiency in the english language but i just can't bring myself to say certain things. that i'll just hide them in my heart and hope that they'll go away.

First shout-out to this dear friend currently still under the clutches commonly known as national serivce. Call you Ho Joe-Ann / malaysian / food guru. Hee. Really appreciate the times i have to catch up with you. Still very much amused by the letter you wrote to CASE when you were still in SJI. Hmmm. Went for church camp. And something that was said struck me. In the end-times the reality of God will be made obvious to all peoples. But yet there are people who won't believe. It is a heart issue. Even if Jesus was to appear in front of them, they will still think that it's some gimmick. If i am able to refute every question you have about the bible and defend Christianity flawlessly, will you believe in God? Hee. I really pray that you'll allow God a passageway into your life. Not even asking you to give God a passageway, but to just allow it. Just dun push God away. Perhaps then you'll have a different view about Christianity. Hee. Somehow i can feel your skeptism. Anyhow, this is indeed what i wanna say.

Second shout-out to you. Truth be told, even up till now i have no hint what i am gonna do. Seriously i feel like snuggling up someone something wadeva and sleep till eternity ends. i guess we'll have to face it one day. Cast that aside, wad i really really really wanna say is firstly, dun hurt yourself anymore. Not in anyway at all. Do it not for me. But, for the bible says that our body is God's temple and that God's spirit lives in us. God created you unique and precious. Cherish your life. It's a gift; not a curse. And God's spirit lives in you. Dun trample upon God's temple. It hurts God much more then you can imagine. Secondly, pls go find a job. Just as how you begged me to go see doc, i'm begGiNG you to go find a job...!!! You must finish school. must.

getting into braindead mode. that's all.

2005-06-14T01:08:00.000+08:00

bought lotsa sticks of bubble gum back to singapore. intend to be bubble gum girl in nus. doubt it'll last. will share the chocolate with my bro. looking forward to see him.

miss you. misS YOU... MISS YOU~~~ bahs. sigh.

2005-06-03T23:34:00.000+08:00

hmmm. fell sick today, woke up feeling horribly uncomfortable. wanted to go work. but din have the strength to find clothes from the cupboard. !?! tot my fever was mild. until i measured the temperature. 38.4 . hmmm. i think it's really God's grace upon me. was running around though i had fever. and when i reached home the temperature shot up to 39.5. really amazed that i'm not retarded or deaf now.. seriously thank God.

2005-06-01T15:02:00.000+08:00

i'm having holidays. in fact i've been having holidays for the past 6 months already. but i'm not enjoying my hols. there're always so many things to do. where has my plans to backpack gone? pick up spanish? blah blah blah. come june there'll be jb camp, youth camp, ne training classes, word for life... come july there'll be loads of ess, outreach events... come august hello nus.

i have to go find my pin number.

my dark rings are ever so prominent.

wanna close my eyes sleep till eternity is over.

2005-05-27T00:02:00.000+08:00

close my eyes and i feel the protein bulid-up. the strain on my eyes. the double eye-lid appearing on my left eye.

touch my tummy. it's flat. feel the acid inside my tummy. and how i feel hungry.

i yawn. and tears well up. i burp. of the empty stomach i possess. this is me. wad i like to feel when i'm down.

i wanna . d i s s o l v e .

but nonetheless. i'll still be there for you. i'll be strong when i have to.

2005-05-26T01:07:00.000+08:00

think i'm going schizo soon. think it's been a long time since i last drank. that's why this kid's size party drink can make me so depressed. maybe because i really am depressed. maybe i need some divine guidance. revelation. on how to get out of this sticky situation.

felt like blurting out a long string of ______________ at the bus-stop just now when i realised it's horribly late and i'm in danger of missing my last bus though there's like 3 buses at that bus-stop that goes home. The forever eating up all our money yet under-budget SBS buses hates me. i know they do. they know what time i'll be at the bus-stop and they set up a plot to stall me and then throws a party when they succeed.

my last bus did appear in the end.

i wonder if i could bathe in wine.

feel like crying.

supposed to go punggol tml again. the teacher-in-charge din inform me of anything tho. i wish i could record my life down. on videocams. wish i could store up all my tears and label their date and cause. wish i could pour acid unto my skin and watch it dissolve the hydrophobic bonds on my tan skin. wonders if i can survive tml. i should count my blessings. another day of peace is a blessing. i wish that a month could pass safely. just one month. just one month...

hope all these is just pms. but i know it's not.

2005-05-25T12:13:00.000+08:00

i'm tired. very very tired. *yawns* tired since the retreat ended on monday. surprised that i managed to walk home without falling unto the ground and sleep. for a no. of nights already i fall asleep immediately once my head hits my pillow and i wake up the next day to feel like i haven't slept yet. argh. and my dark rings are getting darker and darkder and darker and darker. doesn't help when i gotta wake up early for work. doesn't help given the nature of my work. *yawns* i wanna cuddle up unto you and fall asleep.

And my pig has been defiled. the pig that i hug to sleep. has been DEFILED! sigh.

And a shout-out to daniel!! I ran all the while during the amusing race and my team came in 3rd!! muahaha. i'm still fit okay.. (nevermind the fact that my whole body's aching now and my tummy hurts when i cough)

2005-05-19T23:54:00.000+08:00

i realised.

that i dun have to take mother tongue in fass. :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDD bye bye cheenese teacher tao lao shi. but. dunno wad i should major in. wanna learn french. but dun think i'll go for the french exchange prog. my bro and i were talking about uni stuff. he's thinking of pursuing computing in nus after working for 2 yrs... hmmm. so he'll be my guarantor now and i'll be his 2 years later when i . r e a c h .....2..1.. (sigh) getting nearer to the big 2.

2005-05-13T13:12:00.000+08:00

of the sticky stuck song in my head.

Remember when I was in the grocery store
now's my time
Lost the words,lost my nerve, lost the girl, left the line
I would wish upon a star, but that star, it doesn't shine
So read my book with a boring ending
A short story of a lonely guy

I fell behind

She makes me feel like it's raining outside
And when the storm's gone i'm all torn up inside
I'm always nervous on, days like this like the prom
I get too scared to move, cause i'm still just a stupid worthless boy

-story of a lonely guy-

simply adores this song. it's this kinda songs i listen to when i have pms and i can laugh at others for being screwed and take comfort in them. i am evil. falala, falala, falala, falala i fell behind.

2005-05-11T23:44:00.000+08:00

of a teacher's day.

Felt like a teacher today. Went for NIE interview. Went pretty smooth.. Den tutored lynda. Den tutored a p6 girl. a new assignment i got. She's really bubbly and easy-going. :) haha. tutoring's not as bad as i thot afterall. think i might end up being a teacher. hhahahahahahaha.

2005-05-10T01:38:00.000+08:00

of a rough road home.

went to daniel's house with wyn, debbie and junhuang.. daniel taught me drums.. heehee. very fun.. :) den we left late. pretty late. i missed my last bus. was alone at the bus-stop when 2 indians came along. think they drank alot. could smell the alcohol 1 metre away. maybe they bathed in alcohol. anyway. 1 of them asked me to lend him my phone. not knowing what to do i complied. then my daddy came. safety. :) one of the few times my dad came in handy. haha.

2005-05-05T23:42:00.000+08:00

i am determined to maintain a flat tummy.

i wanna exercise.

i dun like the new blushing fren i got on my nose. pokes at it.

i should take things less seriously.

got another interview. go be teacher and screw up the kiddos' minds.

eelee's coming back tomms. dunno wad time can't to fetch her.

i think i can't meet my 30 hrs quota this week.

2005-05-04T22:22:00.000+08:00

See screw see. Screw wants to play. Who wants to play with screw? See srewdriver see. Will screwdriver play with screw? See screwdriver turn. Turn screwdriver turn. See how happy screw is. (sigh. a lousy imitation i noe)

*Jumps and stretches out both hands* 'Ta-lah!' This is my screwed-up nus interview.

Saw this documentary, a tribute to former president Wee Kim Wee. really dun remember much about him cuz when he was pres i was baby, kiddo. just remember his face on the big photo frame i see every sun when i go for ballet class in kim kiat community centre. Was impressed by the praises people had for him, how he's humble, approachable; a simple man who has a deep love for people. great guy yea? hope he's a christo.

2005-05-03T17:32:00.000+08:00

uh-oh. jesse's a bad girl. *slaps my face* whatever.

work today was pretty enjoyable i must say. cuz i've left with pasting the labels on the books so i have to say that life today was boring but pleasant.

shucks the interview is tomorrow and i haven't gotten my portfolio ready yet. shucks shucks shucks.

i like the smell of rain.
you slit my throat.
i hate the smell of blood.
like judas you kissed me,
took out a part of me.
whatever part that is, i plead,
please keep it well.

2005-05-01T23:57:00.000+08:00

the truth is, you silt my throat, and with my last breath i'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt.

i need to pray.
god i'm glad i found my certs.
i'm tired.

poor france.
my favourite country.
got invaded by poisonous caterpillars.

2005-04-28T00:58:00.000+08:00

He wishes for the Cloths of Heaven
by Yeats

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet;
But I, being poor, have only dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

2005-04-27T18:12:00.000+08:00

bah bah black sheep
have you any wool?
yes sir, yes sir, three bags full

one for my master
and one for my friend
one for the little boy
that lives down the lane...

seriously i dun noe the lyrics bad girl din listen to tcher in kindergarten but this nursery rhyme is on repeat mode in my brain right now. dun care if you have any wool.

got nus-fass reply. dunno to be happy or wad. i got shortlisted for an interview for discretionary admission scheme. meaning if i screw up the interview i'm gone. really scary cuz i gotta go meet the dean. not like the dean's a friend of mine right now so it's freaking my soul outta me. omg. i got a bad feeling about my certificates. i'm a messy girl you see. how should i begin to find the cert i got for debate competition before i shifted house? and the one i got for public speaking class is crumpled. haha. sigh. good thing it's in the afternoon. i won't oversleep and say bye bye to the dean before saying hi.

2005-04-26T01:08:00.000+08:00

will be ending work at church office after eelee comes back from south africa. den i'll be jobless again. hmm. if only we can eat grass off the roads and feed ourselves. *yawns* i realise that i dun like to sleep. dun like to eat. not anymore i guess.